Hosiery Inventory: The Preacher’s Gams

It’s that time of year, kids. For those of us who live in four-season country, it’s time to bring out the socks and hosiery again.
*sob*

Let’s start with pantyhose, tights and ~~leggings.~~ Just kidding, of COURSE we’ll discuss leggings! They’re JUST NOT PANTS. Remember that. Leggings are never, ever pants. They are HOSIERY, which is UNDERWEAR.
Gather ’round, Scouts! Hike with me to the hosiery drawers! You’ll be so glad you did on that busy morning or afternoon when you need to dress quickly for that funeral or important meeting.

Take an inventory and see what you have. Unroll the goods and inspect them. Turn all your hose the right way out and check for runs and ripped up crotches. Take it from Auntie PeaceBang, it feels really good to throw out ripped up hose. Throw them out or repurpose them.

There are fashion trends in hosiery just as there are with every other kind of garment. Sheer flesh tones are your best bet for dressy occasions. Off-black on white skin is dated and frumpy. Opaque tights may be appropriate depending on your ensemble, but not with flat shoes — too girlish.
Bare legs are in but inappropriate for conservative crowds, which the Church is by default.
You may serve a liberal denomination, but do remember that religious leadership is a conservative profession.

Do not consider showing up for formal occasions with bare legs. It’s highly unprofessional. That said, I do not personally consider coffee hour after church a formal occasion, so I preach in skirts with bare legs because my legs are covered by vestments during worship and I wear close-toed shoes. My legs are always shaved and moisturized. You may find this to be oppressive and a concession to the patriarchy. I consider it part of grooming and find furry legs on women to be distracting. Assess your own context and make good choices.

1. Throw all the ancient, dreaded pantyhose somewhere you can get a look at them. Throw out all the wretched orange tones. No one is that orange. Make sure you have at least a few pairs of sheer hose in whatever tones you need on hand. You’ll thank yourself later.