Wow, hey, ChubBang has had an Insight!
I lost about 15 lbs. between last summer and the winter, and then I started eating to beat the band and just did. not. care. I could not bring myself to give a rat’s ass about my overeating. It almost felt like a relief. So, because I do not believe in wasting any bit of our lives in self-hatred or ridiculous levels of criticism, and I also don’t have a pathological fear and hatred of fat, I regarded this shift with compassion and curiosity, asking myself, what’s the deal, kid?
Some of was pain. I hurt myself in January while walking the dog and to make a long story short, my mobility has been impaired and I’ve been in a lot of physical discomfort for months. Eating was pleasurable and distracting.
But I realized that some of it was defense, and this was new. Due to circumstances in my personal life, I had added a lot of extra worry and concern and anxiety to my customary ration of that (which, for pastors, is an ever-present reality that we embrace and accept as part of our calling).
I have been eating as a barrier to feeling all that fear and overwhelmedness, and more than that, I have been gaining weight as an outward expression of an irrational fear of being consumed by someone else.
I’m guessing that the unconscious and irrational fear of being totally consumed by others is not uncommon among the clergy, many of whom are very overweight. So for what it’s worth, my compulsive overeating colleagues, I offer you my current reflection, “Vic, you actually do not have to get physically larger and heavier to protect yourself from being devoured. Just figure out what your boundaries are and lovingly set them.”
Please, no advice or dieting tips needed. I promise you that no fat person needs to hear “what worked for you.” We all know how weight loss works. I am not interested in how anyone eats, but in what is eating us.
Peace, darlings.
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